April Fools

That's right. All of you who actually believed that I would ever be pulled over are the real victims of yesterdays Reality Check. My Tercel is indomitable, unimpoundable and I will never be pulled over. Reality Check, faggots.

Tercel: Impounded to Hell

So early today I was on the way back home from a veterinary appointment with my dog Yago in the back seat when I decided to reward myself for no particular reason with a Sunkist slushy. I had also been hoping to see the new slushy machine Cashions had purchased - over two months ago - up and running. Predictably upon entering I immeditately noticed it was still empty and looked like no had even touched it. I was dissappointed but not so much that I didnt intend to fully enjoy my Sunkist slushy anyway. So I get in line to pay my special VIP discount price of 50 cents and walk toward my car to see Yago eagerly awaiting my return. As I'm getting in I notice a Huntersville cop pull into the Cashions parking lot. Given that I am riding dirty, literally, at any given time I am in the Tercel, I decide to wait to see what he does before starting up my car. He proceeded to park his car on the other side of the gas meter from me, with his car facing inward so that he would have to back up first to get out if another person was in front of him. Since another person was I decided it was safe for me to pull out of my spot and head toward the light that takes me home to my beloved basement. Upon pulling out of my gas spot however my chance to turn into the straight/left-turn lane at the light was obstructed by some retarded bitch who had just pulled in from highway 73 and was trying to turn left into the CVS parking lot. In her defense there were cars blocking her immediate passage into the parking lot, however if she had merely pulled a few meters foward she could've simply gone into the parking lot further back. I noticed the cars in the lane directly accross the street beginning to turn which meant that the light would cycle to my lane of the intersection next. As always, I had my driver's side window down and I start to motion for the woman to continue driving and that she could get into the parking lot further back. She was totally oblivious to what was going on of course, and upon noticing my probably frantic hand gestures, proceeded to look more confused. Luckily she took that opportunity to do absolutely fucking nothing. She continued to sit there, blocking not only me and anyone else trying to get out of the Cashions parking lot AND all the people trying to pull into the shopping center entrance in back of her. FUCKING IDIOT. At this point the little patience I had was completely gone and I lose it and start screaming at her out the window. "Go you fucking stupid bitch!" "Get the fuck out of the god damn way" She looks like she is panicking inside the car and flicks me off, all the while continuing to sit there, not moving a damn inch. By this point the light had gone to yellow and I knew I wasn't going to make the light. Finally after all the cars from the lane I had been seeking to enter and which had been partially in her way had gone through the light, she makes her left into the CVS parking lot. At this point I'm really considering following her into the CVS parking lot and flipping out on her but I did have Yago in the back seat, so I decided it was best just to stomach my anger and take him home; where I could relieve my temper with a more natural remedy; rather than raging out on some dumb bitch. So I proceed to turn into the straight/left-turn lane; I'm the first car in the intersection so I know I'll make the light this time with no worries. Just about this time, I glance behind me to see all the cars who had been blocked behind me all had gone into the right-turn lane beside me. I also notice the cop who had parked next to me - like 10 minutes ago - backing up his car. I immediately look to my right to see if I can switch lanes and just make a hard right and get the fuck out of the parking lot because I did not want to take the chance of him - or any cop - pulling directly in back of my car and finding some excuse to pull me over. Predictably I am blocked by a person who is just sitting there waiting for the light to turn green before he will make a right-turn... "God damnit," I think. I see the cop turn his car around and is clearly coming to my lane of the intersection for if he wanted to turn right he wouldn't have turned his car around after backing out and left the parking lot from another angle. I see no one coming up in back of me and at this point I know there is nothing I can do but sit there and try to look innocent - one of the few skills I seem to totally lack. I thought to myself at least I had Yago in the backseat so that would probably help my chances of not being pulled over because usually people don't like to bother drivers with large intimidating animals in the backseat. So I start to pet his head and excite him slightly, so the officer in back of me will clearly see he is present. I'm watching the officers face to see if I think he is relaying any kind of information to anyone and I notice him clearly communicating with someone, however I don't panic because I'm sure police officers have lots of really stupid things to discuss. The intersection accross the street is cleared to go so I know my time sitting in front of this cop will soon come to and end. My light turns green and I proceed to go and drive the speed limit toward Babe Stillwell. The officer seemed in no hurry at all to keep pace with me so I was relieved, temporarily. Then about a half-mile later right as I'm approaching Blythe Landing he flicks his lights on. Fuck. He's still a good ways in back of me so I hope maybe its for another reason, despite the fact that knowing my luck, that was probably not the case. I pull over to the Blythe landing entry turn lane, hoping he will pass me. He doesn't. He slows down and pulls right up to my bumper. I know I'm about to get told somehow. So I calm myself and go through my usual list of excuses in my head. Roughly 7 minutes later this fucking faggot finally gets out of his car to come talk to me.
"Do you know why I pulled you over today sir?" He asks. "Well, I know I wasn't speeding... so no," I respond. "We've received several complaints about a red car from people in the Birkdale area that matches your cars description." I stare him down doing my best to look like I have no idea what he is talking about. "Well first of all, this isn't even my car," I inform him. "This is my dad's car. I'm only doing him a favor and picking up his dog from the Vet. Look at how dirty this car is; no one drives it." Given the fact that I have literally NEVER cleaned my car I thought this was about as good as an excuse as I could've mustered. He seems to believe me. Then the inevitable shitty part comes. "Let me see your license and registration," he asks. I know the car is registered so I go to reach for that. I find it and hand it to him, then proceed to try and give him an excuse why I didn't have my license. "Listen officer, I don't even have my wallet on me. I actually lost it the other day.. I normally don't drive at all - I was just doing my dad this favor." "So you're driving without a license?" He asks? "Yeah... I guess," I reply sheepishly. He doesn't look annoyed at this point so I'm still hoping I might get off with a warning. He asks me my full name. Instantaneously I cycle through all of my various aliases in my head trying to decide if I should tell him the truth or not. I decide to let Roger McCormick sit this one out and I tell him my real name. Whether or not that was a good decision is a fact that will perhaps never be known. He tells me to wait and returns to his car.
Another 5 minutes later he returns to me window. "Well Charles... it looks like you're driving with a suspended license," he tells me. "What?!" I reply, genuinely trying to sound as suprised as possible. "How is that possible? I just paid my insurance! - knowing full well this has nothing to do with anything. Why would I pay for that if I didn't have a license?" "I don't know what to tell you," he replied. "But your license is suspended. You shouldn't be on the road. I can take you to jail right now." The fact the he used "can" instead of "going to" was at least a glimmer of hope for me to grasp, so I try to stay positive. "Now listen, here's what's going to happen," he continues. "I see you have your dog in the car and I believe you that this isn't in fact your car," he says. "But since you were driving without a license there has to be some kind of penalty for that. I'm going to impound this car so you need to make sure to tell your dad that. And since you have your dog here and I see you live close by, I'm going to let you leave your car here and walk home," he says. "A tow-truck is on its way now." I start to walk away when he shouts at me to stop. "Hey! That's not it, get back here son!" He actually called me son. "This is for you. And you'd better show up for this one," he exclaims as he hands me a ticket for a court date. Although this completely sucks ass it is better than me spending a night in jail and Yago being taken into animal control custody. Unfortunately it results in the poor Tercel getting a much underserved...
Reality Check.