Most people who know me well know that there is one thing that annoys me above all else. When people break constitutional laws that our forefathers laid down for us in hopes of better, more fair lives. Well roughly a month ago I was taking one of my dogs for a walk down to the end of the street, where Lee Dukes Water Treatment plant happens to be located. It was a nice day out and I was in a fairly good mood until something vile caught the corner of my eye. I did a double-take and unfortunately but predictably, my eyes had not deceived me. It was a cross on public property. Being the upstanding citizen I am I decided the best plan of action was to turn it upside down. That way it would no longer be a religious symbol on public property. Happy with my good deed for the day, I walked back down the street to my house.
The next day was a hectic one for me but being the concerned citizen I am I managed to clear some time in my schedule to check if the rules of the United States of America were being upheld. Much to my dismay when I returned to the end of the street the cross was "right side" up and wedged further down in the ground. Initially I was confused. Who would want to blatantly disrespect America? A few minutes later it dawned on me this must have been the work of some type of evangelical terrorist cell. I knew I had to take action first before this situation escalated any further.
Jumping forward to about a week later, during each day of which this battle of the cross continued, I managed to procure what proved to be a decisive tool. The tool was none other than a huge red thick-tipped permanent marker. With my tool in hand I once again made the trek to the end of Babe Stillwell. I pulled the cross up from the ground, then shoved it back in upside down as I'd normally done. Then I wrote 9 9 9 in massive letters across both sides of it. Needless to say, the cross has never been back seen since.
Short, Cold and Sweet
On a totally unrelated note yesterday night I was driving down my driveway for a Slushy run. Anyone who has been down my driveway knows that it's basically like a tunnel with an overgrown fence on one side and overgrown bushes on the other side. So driveway drivebys being somewhat close encounters are a very regular thing. Although I suppose my perspective is somewhat limited because I'm not a fat fuck, which brings me to my next point... my fat sister Caitlin is motioning something meaningless to me as I am approaching her in my car. An even more rotund individual and my other sisters bastard child are accompanying her. So as I have notoriously done before, I ignored her and drove past her to attain my slushy. I arrive back home and walk in the door and my fat sister, her horizontally similar friend and my dad are staring me down.
I shut the door calmly all the while savoring my slushy as deliberately as possible. Caitlin immediately starts bitching at me about how I almost hit her and BC. It's worth noting at this point that basically for the duration of this slushy run I'm so high I was having enough trouble keeping a straight face. All 3 of them stared me down for around 5 seconds before I asked, struggling not to laugh
"Are you joking right now?"
"No! I'm not joking you almost hit Kadence [aka BC(the rest of the family uses her 'given' name)]" Caitlin shrieked back.
"Oh I'm sorry, I figured you'd have to have been joking to think anyone could ever miss you."
Not one of them said a word. So after the appropriate amount of time to let my comment sink in I walked past all of them through my basement door. Then I slammed it and my straight-face-demeanor instantly caved in as I laughed hysterically the rest of the way down the stairwell, my laughter echoing in the ears of the victim of yet another, Reality Check.
