Horror Rankings: The Bottom 7

To those that didn't read my initial post it was about my top 7 movies in horror, this is the inverse - but not really. Horror is probably the best genre for good "bad movies." It's become such a trope that they've had several iterations of some movie called "Sharknado" even in 3D. At this point I will forewarn any Sharknado aficionados - none of your trite movies made the cut.

Speaking of not making the cut - forgive the terrible horror double-entendre: Any and all Halloween movies. They ALL SUCK. There's a reason when you hear the name Mike Myers you think of Austin Powers or Wayne's world and not this shitty franchise. No one cares about it. That's why those fucking trope writing dopes over at Bill Simmon's new website were writing contrived articles about it for the last week. They're so bad, they're not even fun to make fun of as the entire Ringer staff is filled with NPC's. Non-Player-Controller Characters whose sole existence is running a solipsism reality simulation program. 

The entire conception of these movies is fucking retarded. Why would anyone want to get to a 45 year old Jamie Lee Curtis? Why would anyone really care about her at any age? Arnold had to scream at her in a foreign language (to him) just to get her on a helicopter to save her life for fuck's sake. And all of that (aside from the True Lies reference) is describing Halloween H20, which the only semi-watchable one in the awful anthology. That part was just for you Zidane.

 As is the latter: Stanley Kubrick sucks. Jack Nicholson sucks. The Shining sucks. Romanticize old SHITTY movies all you'd like, they will continue to suck in perpetuity. You know the reason people romanticize old movies: because back then THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE TO DO AND 3 MOVIES CAME OUT A YEAR. You fucking liberal psuedo-elite minded douchebags are so narrowly circumspect. Do you not realize that books still come out today? What does that have to do with anything? - Fair question. Why don't we hear about them as often? Why is the last one you probably heard about a shitty smut novel for women? The answer is there is an intensely diverse portfolio of entertainment available to essentially everyone in this country that HAS NEVER EXISTED EVER - THROUGHOUT TIME. Aptly, in this time with a never-ending barrage of entertainment options, people have decided that old shitty movies, like Psycho & The Shining aren't very entertaining. No one cares about the nuance of the appetizers when the main course is a shit sandwich.
Now onto my list of the "best worst."

#1: Teeth. This movie should've been re-released during the Brett Cavanaugh hearings. This is a movie about a girl suffering from "vagina dentata." Like it sounds vagina dentata describes a fictional condition in which some vaginas have mouth like teeth that can potentially punish a potential sexual predator in Lorena Bobbitt like fashion. I feel like this should be the official movie of #metoo and radical 3rd wave feminism (who are now fighting within themselves over trans-inclusionary and non-trans-inclusionary lesbians). 

#2: Joy Ride. (Insert voice of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs)"Caandy Caaaanee."  Candy Cane was Paul Walker's false CB "Trucker" radio handle that he did in a female voice. This must have #triggered this guy (I just looked up Ted Lavine's filmography - this guy is in everything: Shutter Island, The Hills Have Eyes, Ali, The Fast and the Furious!, Heat and the Wild Wild West). Essentially the entire film is about Paul Walker escaping a killer trucker. This was early Paul Walker when his entire acting skill-set consisted of looking confused whilst being attractive, a mere four months after The Fast and the Furious. #TooFast2Furious2Soon

#3: The Evil Dead. (The only movie in this list before 1993 - as noted by horror movie critic: Zidane) The first time I saw this movie, I really thought it was a joke of some kind. It was so terribly shot, edited and produced in general I truly found it difficult to believe that anyone, let alone my friend Jarred's older brother Jonathan could actually enjoy a movie like this. In fact Jarred's brother Jonathan enjoyed it so much, when he had his girlfriend over to the Douglas residence for the first time, this was the movie they proceeded to watch. Jarred, Ryan and I witnessed this spectacle of Jonathan laughing hysterically as a young woman is raped by a vine whilst sitting next to his new girlfriend, glory days.

#4: AvP: Alien vs Predator: I'm including this one on here simply because of the bipartisan hype. I have rarely seen people (only guys) this divided about A) which one would be the winner (physics) and B) why one should win (morality) and then use our amazing ability to anthropomorphize everything and make it about our insular selves to make it a tribal matter. At the time I found it just generally interesting and didn't attribute any underlying motive to the decision. Now that I'm looking at it in retrospect... I'm realizing this is a political divide. Almost all the conservatives I know rooted for The Predator. Conversely a lot of the liberals I knew thought the Predator was the aggressor and thus rooted against it. Very telling.

#5: SAW II: Despite being one of my favorite franchises this one was awful. It was just pure shock, disgust and gruesome scenarios. There are a couple of scenes that I will never forget in this film - which is the only reason I'm frankly including it. There's a scene where one of the "players" in this "game" is required to extend his hand into a bunch of tainted hypodermic needles. That was a little bit too much. Then in the next scene someone falls into an empty pit FULL of hypodermic needles. Needless to say this person dies the death of 10,000 stabs.

#6: Every Final Destination but #1 & #2. These are so contrived at this point do I even have to explain myself. You'll have a scene where spiderweb will ignite and then fall onto a girl in a bathtub who will almost get electrocuted but stands up just on time to have the charged spider web short out the rooms light circuit for no reason. Now a flea that's landed on the formerly charged spider-web will be charged and jumps on the girl who was formerly in the showers pubic hair and then she urinates whilst ungrounded and is thus electrocuted. That's every death in one of these movies.

#7: Jeepers Creepers: This is the king of modern bad films. It's disturbing on every level. It initially seems like something that would be worth seeing only to devolve hardcore into one of the most confusing horror films ever. The first two-thirds of this film are actually legitimate thriller. Then the Creeper comes out and I think the directors may have done some hardcore drugs or something while they "finished" the film. The last third of the movie does a few things well: end abruptly, confusing the viewer and wanting more answers about this creeper. Luckily a sequal has emerged since then and has alleviated none of the former issues.

24/7 Horror Rankings: Movies

It's around 5AM on Halloween and (I'm lonely - stop it Matchbox 20) after I played through the requisite video game bonuses (most decent games do something different for Halloween). I have been trying to figure out what my horror movie line-up of today should be. This prospect inevitably had me thinking of how I would rank horror movies All-Time. I found this prospect to be too-hard so like all the bullshit sports journalists out there, I decided to label it Power Rankings instead. This way my opinion is essentially meaningless and I can change it on a whim. I'm writing about 7 because that's all I thought were deserving and I plan to do the bottom 7 of best terrible horror movies later today. First thing first:

#1 The Ring - This was fantastic. At the time it felt almost like a horror-culture-shock. There have been several psychological studies on the "fake news" issue as of late - and most of them have ushered the conclusion that if you repeat something enough, it's effectively "true" to people. This movie mastered that with the random jump cuts to the past and the girl in the well and of course the true underlying theme of the movie: 5:13. To the uninitiated the movie that starts the cycle is started at 5:13.

#2 SAW: The original SAW was amazing. It was the perfect expose on what free will really meant and what moral questions weren't asked. Is your own soul worth saving? It's appropriate that despite being one of the most violent movies in these rankings, it's probably the most religious. All of the horror involved in these movies is justified in a quasi-moral sense. The same can't generally be said for any other movies on this list.

#3 30 Days of Night - Holy shit. This was terrifying. Josh Harnett's best movie - although I guess that isn't saying much - Lucky Number Sleven sucked. The entire concept of Vampires was challenged in this movie. The writers essentially made vampires a roaming gang of ancient vagrants who patrol the arctic circle, because of the disrupted light cycle. The really great part about the portrayal of these vampires is that they're intelligent but so brutal & violent that their intelligence can hardly be appreciated as anything other than some basic prey drive. However the truth is revealed brutally in a portion of the movie where one of the "rational" humans begs god for his life and then the vampire looks at him in a cock-eyed direction that a confused dog would look at a person - and replied: "God?" he questioned. "No God"  he replied as he ate his face.

#4 The Blair Witch Project: Anyone who knows me at all shouldn't be shocked by this movies inclusion. It is the original "found footage" horror movie. That in itself should cement its status here. It's like this is the first reality show in the horror movie industry. But... this one was actually good. In the end there is no conclusion, it's just left up to interpretation. Although it's safe to say no one completes the project.

#5 Final Destination 2: Logjam. Everyone who has seen this movie instantly knows what I mean and why this movie is so utterly terrifying. Everyone can imagine this happening to them on the highway - which makes total sense as car accidents are one of the leading cause of American deaths. There is no denying that there is a distinct pre and post effect to watching this movie. I can attest to being irrationally terrified whilst driving behind trucks with logs despite the fact that I know the chance of them falling off is essentially none. That's effective shock & awe.

#6 28 Days Later: The only legitimate zombie movie. I have a real problem with Zombie's in general as I feel they're a lazy intellectual concept. All other monsters seem to have some type of sovereignty. This makes them actually psychologically scary in addition to making them physically scary. For whatever reason, zombie movies don't care about this at all and thus are usually incredibly contrived and ridiculous. Not this one. These zombies are an active infection. An open festering wound, yellow and brimming with puss. They'll throw up in your face & mouth regardless of their own physical status. These are the only credible Zombies in movies that I have ever seen.

#7 The Decent: I feel like this is one of the most underappreciated movies on the list. The premise is a bunch of women go down to South America to spelunk. Then they aptly descend into caves, get lost and encounter these startling looking cave dwelling predators. The concept sounds really basic and somewhat lame - however this movie is shot and directed magnificently. The startle points are ridiculously effective and the limited view of the creatures keeps applying the mysterious aspect to them.

A Place to Get Drunk and Adopt?

My sister sent me an article about this "business establishment," in downtown Charlotte. About a cat "cafe." Let's redefine that: it entails a place where you get drunk around homeless cats. What the fuck? Luckily it's around reputable establishments like a place called Dragon Moonshine Company.
The thing that drives me crazy about this is the entire business is intellectually dishonest. The saddest part is the cats are the victims. Just think for a moment, what kind of responsible pet owner either gets or leaves their pet around random people? This is aside from completely disregarding leaving a pet around drunk people - and not only that - but PAYING them to do so.
But that's not all, you actually have to sign a "waiver" that basically christens you as a full fledged hipster - so you can even be in the same room as these cats. "This waiver states that you respect the well being of cats and humans alike." Who wouldn't want to sign a document to hang out with homeless animals? Apparently they also import their beverages so I'm not even really sure what this business offers other than douchey hipster culture with a hint of cat urine.
(But they need the help of local musicians apparently - the best business minds).
The burberry glasses, deliberate gristle & a flannel are so over the top I think this time, I've driven myself over a philosophical cliff...
...Maybe now, I need the reality check.