Smug Harbor

The other night I decided to make a great decision. After beasting a few beast-lights I decided it was time to hit the town in celebration of a friend's day of birth. I'd like to think it was of good intent but nonetheless, strike one. After my breif but nonetheless dumb automtotive excursion I arrived at my destination. I then called the aforementioned friend to come outside to meet me. In my brief trip from car-to-bar I managed to lose my phone. Strike-two. Despite searching frantically albeit thoroughly throughout the bar, everywhere around and under the only booth I'd been sitting in the duration of my stay at Thomas Street Tavern, I was unable to find my phone. Strike three. Clearly this was a quick three-and-out, although -unfortunately- it did not dissuade me.
As said, these events would normally perturb a more sober version of myself the remainder of the night, however this wasn't exactly a huge problem given my current lack of a sobriety. So we transversed to Snug Harbor. I approached the stage - with live music happening and one of my friends pushed me on the stage to dance. I did, briefly.
Then it happened. Four bouncers - each of whom outweighed me by at least 60 pounds approached me.
"Let's go." was there reply.
"Okay, can I get my wallet though?" I replied.
"No. It's time to go."
"Are you serious, how am I supposed to get home?"
"Deal with it yourself," said the rotund individual.
"How am I supposed to do that without my wallet?" I queried.
"Should've thought of that before-hand." He replied.
That was it - it was time to start trying.
"Alright," I responded and walked off. Infact I walked directly behind the bar and scaled its approximate 20 foot barbed wire fence. I landed just behind the dumbster while only one couple - who laughed at me - saw me.
Slick.
So I go back inside and head strait to the source: the bar.
"What would you like? the bitch bartender who probably had me removed asked."
"I'd like to close my tab and have my card back please."
"What's the name?"
"McGovern."
She instantly called the bouncers over to deal with me.
"Listen I just want my wallet back, is that alright - I'll wait outside if necessary."
This statement was evidently fruitless as they proceeded to throw me out anyhow. Predictably, now I got mad.
"Do you realize how worthless you four fat fucks are?" I quipped after having being tossed out once again.
"I could dust the shit out of all of you at once."
Then one of them proceeded to shove me face first into a tree installation. It hurt, but I was fueled by liquid rage and overconfidence - so I wasn't dissuaded.
They all laughed and I got up while doing the same. This didn't please them.
"Nice try fat fucks, maybe you should be more accurate next time." I exclaimed.
"You couldn't catch shit on a leash, you worthless pieces of shit!"
Obviously they tried to catch me now.
I ran around a back alley while screaming "you fat slow fuck!"
I turned a corner and was met with an unfortunate suprise. Two of them were waiting on me. They proceeded to throw me to the ground and kick me several times. It wasn't pleasant.
Somehow I rolled out of their kick-fest and rounded the corner to the front of the bar.
Fortunately two of my friends were there and the bouncers backed off.
They proceeded to tell me how much of a moron I was while we walked back to their car and yet again I was served with a...
Reality Check.

No Games.

For the past couple of days, one of my friends was nice enough to take me down to the outer banks with him.
The house and scenery were beautiful to say the least - which I clearly have no issue with.
Once we arrived at our locale the first things we did was rent bikes, then venture to the local ABC store. I realize that may seem shocking.
Anyway, one night we were riding our beach cruisers - which for the record are the most fun bicycle.
Later, we headed out on a night cruise to the end of the island. We had traveled probably six or so miles to an essentially uninhabited portion of the island we were staying on. Literally the only thing we noticed present ,aside from the street lights and wildlife, was a water treatment plant at the very end of the island.
So we turned around on our bikes to trek home. Unfortunately, although usual for me, our trek didn't go as planned.
Out of the corner of my eye I see this police cruiser sitting off the road waiting for speeders. We proceeded to ride past it. Sadly, this was the wrong decision.
My friend and I didn't get more than 40 yards by them 'til we noticed the pulsating blue and red lights.
It's worth noting that both of us had been drinking earlier but were easily more than capable of driving, as we had already transversed several miles. It's also pertinant that the sidewalk had ended more than 5 miles prior to our current location.
Over an officer's loadspeaker we hear: pull over to the side of the road. Given there was no sidewalk and we were pretty-much already there my mind started racing. As per normal, my first thought was along the lines of "fuck! is this a fucking joke?"
Fortunately this thought later served me well. The officers, a seemingly experienced male and his kinda-hot newbie officer - in a porn sense - instructed us quite sternly to park the bikes off the road. We both complied rather quickly. After we had parked our bikes the officers asked us both to approach... slowly.
Then they both faced me while my temper became slightly elevated.
Luckily they both shined an annoying light in my face while questioning me first. What a fucking dumb thing to do. It's the middle of the night and they're using they're only lights to focus on my face, whilst being currently unarmed. IDIOTS. Yet another day in my life I that wished I was Doc Holiday.... but I'm not, so I was simply blinded, searched and questioned - by a fucking idiot.
Male officer "What do you have on you?"
Me "Just my wallet and my cellphone."
Same moron officer: Do you have any fire-arms or grenades on you?
At this point in time, I'm doing my best to contain my emotions.
"No" I reply.
"Are you sure?" He asked me in a totally accusative manner.
At this point - as usual - my emotions got the best of me, unfortunately.
I turn my head deliberately slowly, while scowling and looking at the female officer. I'd like to delude myself into thinking she realized how much of a motherfucking piece of shit this guy was being. I stopped my deliberate head turn directly under the guise of the male officer.
I raised my gaze, slowly, while staring directly at him and laughed while replying "Yep... I have 5 grenades in my pocket," in the most sarcastic manner I could muster, while smirking.
Apparently this wasn't a smart decision.
He wasted no time in strip searching me before asking me "does it look like I'm in the mood for playing games?" Keep in mind this is the same fucktard who pulled over two guys on bicycles and then questioned if they had grenades on them.
I don't have a problem with guns but they're power frankly intimidates me. However, if I had one I'd like to think I'd have shot this douche either in the face, or every single joint before I stomped his face to death. Cruel? Perhaps. Although how cruel is it pulling bicyclists over in the middle of nowhere, asking retarded questions and then threatening one of them (me, of course)? Clearly these questions will never be answered.
Back to the tale however...
"So answer me son (yes he said this) - do I look like I'm playing games?
(In the back of my mind I was sooooo closed to asking "cops and bike riders?")
Although knowing the probable consequences I didn't.
Fortuitously this was yet another moment I regretted to hear my name - spoken over the radio.
Despite the fact I - along with help - have made several attemps to clear my name - aka FUCKING BULLSHIT TRAFFIC  VIOLATIONS - over the past several months I heard the voice over the intercom implicated me.
"Now... I can take you to jail for DWI, traffic obstruction, public drunkenness and believe me, I could tack on some other stuff too."
I held my tounge here while not wanting to mention my supposed grenades.
Luckily for my friend and the both of us, he inspected, searched and questioned him immediately afterward.
He informed the retard that he was in the military, and here with me on his leave.
The officer's temper was immediately alleviated.
Of course mine wasn't exactly following suit - but I knew the thin ice I was on.
He asked me friend his current military position and deployment - and it seemed to allievate his temper.
Point probably not proven - in front of your hot rookie officer you were a faggot-ass douche-bag. You have legal authority to pull over people on vacation on bicycles. I'm sure that'll get you sexual reprisal real quick - dumb fuck.
Then the worst part - for me, of course - comes.
Over the radio I hear my name, address and drivers license nunber.
"I need your license sir." Says the male officer.
"Mmkay" I reply.
"This license is suspended."
"What the fuck! Why?
"I'm sorry I really don't know sir." Said the female officer.
"So you just follow orders blindly without any questions or answers? I question.
"I don't wanna hear one more word outa your mouth." said the male officer.
Once again I had just been delivered a seemingly undeserved...
Reality Check.