So one random day several of months ago, I'm sitting around participating in my usual routine (doing nothing) and my dad calls me about something. He seems pretty 'chipper' on the phone, which I initially found strange, so I question him as to the nature of his call. He was fairly happy to inform me that I, or one of us, was selected for jury duty, given we have the exact same name and the post office doesn't seem really care about discerning between people with the same name and the same address. I, of course, wasn't. For some reason he seemed to be under the impression I'd be happy about serving jury duty because I could make money by doing so; probably the thing he, along with most of white collar America, views as the most important thing in this world. "How do you know it isn't for you?" I asked. A fair question given we have the exact same name. "I just figured you'd want to go so you can, you know, make some money," he replied. "It pays $12 for the first day, which is hardly more than the gas money to get there and back, why would I want to make significantly less than minimum wage when I could be inside my own house sleeping?" He replied, "well, then I'm going to tell them (the courts) it was you regardless, so you better get ready to go unless you want to have a county sheriff throw you in jail." It is at this point in the conversation where I revealed the actual reason I didn't want to go to jury duty.
"I think I might have a bench warrant out for my arrest," I informed him. Over a year ago I was supposed to drive across the state to Raleigh for a second time because of a drinking ticket I had gotten over 2 years ago on the previous Halloween... by a douchebag cop. Apparently I had qualified for some kind of immunity program since my record was clean (not really) so all I had to do was attend a certain amount of documented AA meetings and present them back in court several months later and I would be scott-free. Needless to say, I did not attend or even attempt to attend one AA meeting. So I was clearly concerned about the fact that if I showed up in court I might have a bench warrant and arrested on the spot, even though it was from a different county. Especially since the last time I had appeared in court the exact same thing had happened to me; being arrested upon arrival. Chuck was definitely mad but that was the end of the discussion for the time being.
A few weeks later he had finally spent some time figuring out which one of us actually had to attend since I clearly wasn't going to do so and discovered it was, of course, me. I asked him if he'd be willing to bail me out of jail if I indeed had a bench warrant like I semi-suspected. "We'll see," was his answer.
The night before my duty was to be fulfilled I made sure I was supremely wasted to make sure I could pass out early enough to subsequently get enough sleep for enduring an entire day of jury duty. Not a bad idea, in retrospect. Not a good execution of said idea, in any respect. I ended up finally falling asleep around 2:30-3:00am, not optimal time for getting up at 6 to beat or should I say beast, the traffic.
It's before 8:00AM and I arrive at the parking garage near the courthouse. It's rainy, shitty and cold weather, so I actually had the heat turned on in my Tercel, from hell. Unfortunately for everyone else, this meant anyone driving near me or especially behind me got blasted with a shitload of exhaust fumes and limited visibility - which is only intensified being inside a parking deck. I get out and begin my journey across the street, to the courthouse and I'm the only person without an umbrella. What a bunch of faggots.
After walking inside, taking off my shoes, and asking a few security guards for directions I had finally arrived at my destination. The room where you wait to be 'called' for jury duty. It wasn't too bad honestly. But it still really sucked. After showing us these retarded videos about the American legal system, they started calling people about 15 minutes later. This was when my stomach started to churn. They always called the (randomly selected) names in alphabetical order. Then I heard someone named McGregor called. I laughed. About 10 minutes later another announcement came over the intercom. Once again, they started calling names. Unfortunately this time I was not so fortunate. This time McGovern was called. The only bright spot was that a girl whose name happened to be alphabetically closest to mine happened to be moderately attractive I guess... but that didn't last long. After taking us up several floors they realized they had taken about twice times as many jurors than they could possibly use. So around half of us had to return downstairs and I was separated from the aforementioned juror. Luckily, I was able to spend the next two-to-three hours in a room with the most entertaining program about civic duty that I've ever witnessed. I was legitimately impressed with the clear message from the instructional 'film' - set on repeat - at how intimately the government realized how fucking stupid the average person is. The delivery of this message I felt was almost stone-cold to anyone with an IQ above the bell curve. Despite this appreciation, the instructional film only made me incredibly angry - how surprising. As I sat in the utterly unstimulated room and began to read one of the books I had brought along in my backpack - which is never short of any unnecessary necessity, EVER - the voice over the loudspeaker began to list names once again. I listen intently dreading the sound of my own name, a statement I can rarely make. The woman finishes listing names and transitions into giving instruction. I'm utterly relieved and my heart-rate begins to slow - in an awesome way.
I begin to read once again. Just as I am able to ignore the voice over the loudspeaker, she besmirches me: Charles McGovern.
I accompany my fellow jurors to the appropriate room, whilst hearing them categorically denied by the D.A. Apparently she was looking for individuals whom had nothing against the city of Charlotte. Despite my soliloquy regarding Charlotte traffic, I was selected.
Luckily the judge gave me one more reprieve.
"Is there any reason you don't believe you'll be able to serve, Charles?"
Me: "Yes. I'm an alchohlic going through terrible withdrawals. I can hardly concentrate."
The judge and the female lawyer couldn't have been nicer when dismissing me. Perhaps that might not've been the 'case' if either of them 'witnessed' the massive grin on my face leaving the courtroom.
Lost - Reality Check
"I think I might have a bench warrant out for my arrest," I informed him. Over a year ago I was supposed to drive across the state to Raleigh for a second time because of a drinking ticket I had gotten over 2 years ago on the previous Halloween... by a douchebag cop. Apparently I had qualified for some kind of immunity program since my record was clean (not really) so all I had to do was attend a certain amount of documented AA meetings and present them back in court several months later and I would be scott-free. Needless to say, I did not attend or even attempt to attend one AA meeting. So I was clearly concerned about the fact that if I showed up in court I might have a bench warrant and arrested on the spot, even though it was from a different county. Especially since the last time I had appeared in court the exact same thing had happened to me; being arrested upon arrival. Chuck was definitely mad but that was the end of the discussion for the time being.
A few weeks later he had finally spent some time figuring out which one of us actually had to attend since I clearly wasn't going to do so and discovered it was, of course, me. I asked him if he'd be willing to bail me out of jail if I indeed had a bench warrant like I semi-suspected. "We'll see," was his answer.
The night before my duty was to be fulfilled I made sure I was supremely wasted to make sure I could pass out early enough to subsequently get enough sleep for enduring an entire day of jury duty. Not a bad idea, in retrospect. Not a good execution of said idea, in any respect. I ended up finally falling asleep around 2:30-3:00am, not optimal time for getting up at 6 to beat or should I say beast, the traffic.
It's before 8:00AM and I arrive at the parking garage near the courthouse. It's rainy, shitty and cold weather, so I actually had the heat turned on in my Tercel, from hell. Unfortunately for everyone else, this meant anyone driving near me or especially behind me got blasted with a shitload of exhaust fumes and limited visibility - which is only intensified being inside a parking deck. I get out and begin my journey across the street, to the courthouse and I'm the only person without an umbrella. What a bunch of faggots.
After walking inside, taking off my shoes, and asking a few security guards for directions I had finally arrived at my destination. The room where you wait to be 'called' for jury duty. It wasn't too bad honestly. But it still really sucked. After showing us these retarded videos about the American legal system, they started calling people about 15 minutes later. This was when my stomach started to churn. They always called the (randomly selected) names in alphabetical order. Then I heard someone named McGregor called. I laughed. About 10 minutes later another announcement came over the intercom. Once again, they started calling names. Unfortunately this time I was not so fortunate. This time McGovern was called. The only bright spot was that a girl whose name happened to be alphabetically closest to mine happened to be moderately attractive I guess... but that didn't last long. After taking us up several floors they realized they had taken about twice times as many jurors than they could possibly use. So around half of us had to return downstairs and I was separated from the aforementioned juror. Luckily, I was able to spend the next two-to-three hours in a room with the most entertaining program about civic duty that I've ever witnessed. I was legitimately impressed with the clear message from the instructional 'film' - set on repeat - at how intimately the government realized how fucking stupid the average person is. The delivery of this message I felt was almost stone-cold to anyone with an IQ above the bell curve. Despite this appreciation, the instructional film only made me incredibly angry - how surprising. As I sat in the utterly unstimulated room and began to read one of the books I had brought along in my backpack - which is never short of any unnecessary necessity, EVER - the voice over the loudspeaker began to list names once again. I listen intently dreading the sound of my own name, a statement I can rarely make. The woman finishes listing names and transitions into giving instruction. I'm utterly relieved and my heart-rate begins to slow - in an awesome way.
I begin to read once again. Just as I am able to ignore the voice over the loudspeaker, she besmirches me: Charles McGovern.
I accompany my fellow jurors to the appropriate room, whilst hearing them categorically denied by the D.A. Apparently she was looking for individuals whom had nothing against the city of Charlotte. Despite my soliloquy regarding Charlotte traffic, I was selected.
Luckily the judge gave me one more reprieve.
"Is there any reason you don't believe you'll be able to serve, Charles?"
Me: "Yes. I'm an alchohlic going through terrible withdrawals. I can hardly concentrate."
The judge and the female lawyer couldn't have been nicer when dismissing me. Perhaps that might not've been the 'case' if either of them 'witnessed' the massive grin on my face leaving the courtroom.
Lost - Reality Check
