Lost Reality Check: Once Upon a Time in Darlington...

This story starts out fairly innocently. Brandon, Tommy, Billy and I are all attending the "Southern 500." Bob Corbett is there as well and will be involved in the story shortly. Suffice to say, between the four of us we run out of beer fairly quickly. Bob Corbett man's up and tries to go get more for us, given that literally all of us are underage - man move. Unfortunately in the puritanical laws in South Carolina, you're disavowed from purchasing alcohol on Sundays. This is a setback. Temporarily...
Bob Corbett busts out some bourbon whiskey. "Can you guys handle some shots?" He asks. We all assured him we could - and we could, just the volume, in retrospect - happened to be slightly excessive.
We enter the racetrack and find our seats. I see the sun setting just as the cars come around the first turn. It was one of those beautiful sights you don't forget. Ironic, given the next series of events. Brandon, Tommy and I all went to the bathroom and that's the last thing I remember. Tommy told me that afterward he'd found me laughing hysterically pushing rental wheelchairs down a stairwell. Hilarious and slightly disturbing. I, on the other hand, don't remember reacquainting with my seat after our communal bathroom break. The sun is setting on this portion of the story, unfortunately (for me), both literally and figuratively.
I'm awoken by the sound of a car. I'm in a ditch on the side of a road, seriously. I'm utterly disoriented. What the fuck? I have nothing on my person but my wallet. Let me clarify that by nothing mean I am devoid of even shoes. I look around, barefooted and try and to figure out where I am. Nothing. The race track wasn't in sight, I am literally in the middle of fucking nowhere with nothing in sight.
"Okay Chase," I think. It's time to start trying. I hop a few barbed wire fences into businesses that clearly looked closed - and they all are. There were several houses, clearly abandoned, with massive boxes on the front porches. Bastions of potential homeless people.. my thought process was "oh they'll definitely know where a phone might be, and I have bare feet so they'll think I'm one of them."
I continue walking along the side of this abandoned road, until I get to the highway exit.
"Yes," I think. I'm on I-77, exit 23. the place where I drunkenly always convince myself I am, but have never been. I have called friends' mothers and told them I was there before, only to have them search and wait for me to no avail. Idiotic
However, it seemed I had some good luck on my side. At this odd truckstop looking place there was this guy, kind enough to offer me a ride.
"Where do you want to go?" he inquired. "Anywhere with a phone," I state.
So we're traveling down this road that's totally barren, no street lights, nothing. Then "it" happens. This guy randomly grabs my crotch area. I immediately grab his hand and stop him, somewhat twisting his arm (but he is driving, I'm somewhat restricted here).
"What are you doing, this isn't going to work... I'm not that guy."
He literally ignores me and tries it again. This time I grab him forcefully to magnify the point that I am faster/stronger and whatever weird effort he's trying, won't work. He's honestly disturbed at this point by my resistance.
It's at this point he starts propositioning me. He claimed he would seriously "suck me off for a ride back to Charlotte." He was serious. And I for half a second considered it, but no.
We finally arrived at Walmart. I was so glad to get out of this assholes car I behaved somewhat asshole-like myself at the aforementioned mega-store.
I approached the "customer service" desk and pleaded with them to use their phone. This was their response to a shoeless, desperate guy.
"If you buy a phonecard you can use the phones over there."
The phones "over there" were these shitty pay phones. However when you have no options, one looks better than none. I called Billy Corbett with the phone card I'd bought and fortunately he and Bob Corbett were on the way.
Luckily being barefooted in Walmart in South Carolina doesn't acquire much attention. So took this time to open and consume a bag of Chex Bold Party Mix, in the back of the store.
Finally, my ride home had arrived. Everyone was laughing about my journey except Bob Corbett, who was utterly convinced I was raped. But in the end the ride home was tranquil except for the slight interruption which was my story and perhaps a...
...Reality Check.

McGovern Player of the Finals - Games 5 / 6

McGovern Player of the Finals - Game 5 / 6

McGovern of the Finals - Game 5:

Well, this post detailing the Finals should be slightly different than usual. Partially because it's been written later than usual. Also, partially because I'm lazy and my right-shoulder and mouse-hand is in discomfort.
I am really not certain how the injury occurred but I can assure you trying to turn the now power-steering wheel of my car was painful and discomforting. Upon medical diagnosis today I apparently have tendinitis in my right-rotator cuff and have strained it. Not ideal for getting into beach shape - but typical.

Golden State:

Barbosa:-1+1

Barns:+2+2

Bogut:

Curry:-1-1+2+1-1-1+1+1+1+2+1+1 (6)

Ezeli: +1+1+2+1 (5)

Green: +1+1+1+1 (4)

Iguodala +1+1+1+3-2+2+2+2-1 (9)

Livingston +1

K. Thompson: +1-2+3 (2)

Cleveland:

Dellavedova: +2 +2 (4)

James: +2+1+1-2+1+1+1+1+2 (8)

Jones +1 +1+2 (4)

Shumpert +1+1+1 (3)

Smith-1-1-1+1+1 (-1)

T. Thompson +2+1+1+1+1 (6)

Game 5 was played like shit. I'll admit LeBron played well but his post game interview brought him down. He played so well, even for his ability, he nearly won which is significant in my book.

Dellavedova was pretty much ordinary in this contest, which is why he was awarded ordinarily. 

Curry did his typical playoff thing where he is invisible in the first half and comes on late.

Ezeli was actually surprisingly effective. However, once again the veteran Iguodala stepped up and played near his former Sixers level - all while guarding LeBron. Slick.

McGovern FAGGOT of the Finals - Game 5:

Refs: -2

R. Curry: 

M. Miller: -10, -1, -10 (-21)

Idiot Female Security Officer:

ABC Sound Screw:

A. Davis: -3

FAGGOT NOTES:

I hate Mike Miller. He's the biggest piece of white trash - who is actually rich - in the NBA. I don't give a fuck about his supposed "effort" plays. He is an injury prone, unathletic (which isn't a word according to this) white guy. If he doesn't put forth effort... he wouldn't even be in the NBA. Anthony Davis is back on the list after tangling with DK once again in another Pixels commercial. What a pity and what a fool...

McGovern of the Finals - Game 6:

Golden State:

Barbosa +1+ 2 (3)

Barnes +1+2+1-1 (3)

Bogut

Curry -1+1+1+3+1+1+1+1+1 (9)

Jones +1 -1

Green: +1+1+1+1-1+1+2+1-2 (5)

Iguodala +1+1+1+1+2+1+1

Livingston: +1+1

T. Thompson: -1 -1 +2 (0)

Cleveland:

Dellavedova: -1

James: +1+2-2+2-1+1+1-1 (4)

Mozgov +1+1+3+1+1+1+2 (10)

Shumpert -1 +1

Smith +2 +1 +1

T. Thompson +1+2+1+3+1 (8)

Game Notes:

It saddens me to have to resort to tiebreaker tactics. However, since - as I shall later explain - Iguodala disqualified himself after game 6, this is unfortunately what I was forced to do (as he would've won the McGovern Player of the Finals). It's an unfortunate exercise that has to occasionally be performed to maintain the sanctity of MPOTF. The last time this happened it was to Jason Terry, who tangentially went off thanking god in excess after a Finals win. What the fuck is wrong with these idiots? Even if there was a god, it's pretty evident it pays very little attention to Earth. If it doesn't interfere with flood, famine, plagues, or according to the idiotic book he probably believes, causes them... WHY WOULD AN OMNIPOTENT BEING HELP YOU SPECIFICALLY WIN A BASKETBALL GAME? I just don't understand why minorities in this country are so god damn religious when god clearly isn't doing them any favors - despite being omnipotent and omniscient. So god supposedly knows every terrible thing that will happen to you ever and it's content letting it all go down? Fucking idiots.

McGovern FAGGOT of the Finals: - Game 6
Refs -2-1

R. Curry -2

M. Miller

ABC Sound Crew +1

A. Davis

Cav's Fans -1 -1 -1

Iguodala - 600,000

FAGGOT Notes:

Why Andre? Why? Do you actually think god stuffed you on the bench all year to start you now? No one can possibly be that stupid. Oh wait, you're a pro-athlete. For some reason it's socially acceptable for you and attractive women to have actually mailed in your minds years ago. This guy was seriously seconds from winning both the Finals MVP and the more important MPOTF award, when he sabotaged himself with this cult talk. Dumb-ass-hole. If you'd like to follow J. Terry's footsteps let me assist you: -600,000 ways. Fucking faggot. New Finals record. Apologies Jason Terry.
Abc Sound Crew: They played 'Shut up and Dance," which I enjoyed. 

Series Notes:

This is a battle of attrition...so it matters not that Iguodala has a new record for FAGGOT points in a Final's game. It matters who had the most FAGGOT (and non FAGGOT) games + points in total...
Here's the breakdown - sans the missing game 2. Here are the new winners of every game - post Iggy ousting.


Winner / FAGGOT:
Game 1: Irving, Iguodala 

Game 2: ?

Game 3: Dellavedova, M. Miller

Game 4: Dellavedova, M. Miller

Game 5: James, M. Miller

Game 6: Tie: Curry, Mozgov, Iguodala

History has been made in spades. For only the second time in history, the MPOTF has come from the losing team. Also for the second time in history a new record has been set regarding FAGGOT points in a single game. LeBron James, despite his awful name, has earned his first MPOTF single game award - "who woulda thought?"

Congratulations to the blunder from down under who tore Cleveland asunder: Mathew Dellavedova. Despite being admittedly biased toward foreign players I had nothing but apathy toward the Aussie originally. Yet, his grit, grind and team effort ended up encapsulating every part of what it takes to have a winning team. 

Mathew Dellavedova is the McGovern Player of the Finals 2015

Mike Miller is the McGovern FAGGOT of the Finals 2015 - I won't elaborate because he's a white trash faggot who doesn't deserve it.

Reality Check.

McGovern Player of the Finals - Game 3 / 4

     Well there's a second in terms of McGovern player of the Finals' history. I've lost the quad-ruled steno-pad I wrote Game 2 of the finals on. The first time being when one of my enraged Mexican friends tore my McGovern Player of the Finals archives up in a fit of jealousy. I only have two quad-ruled steno pads in the entire basement and despite being certain I used one of them during game 2, the page seems to be absent from both, so I'm not sure what happened. Regardless that's part of the reason I didn't make a post about game 2. I may have had too many Clubtails during the game as well. Although, while on the subject of this emergence of the premixed mixed-drink market, I'd like to state for the record and anyone else who might mistakenly purchase the utter trash that is Bud Lite Mixxtail's not to waste their money. As an ultra-taster with impeccable taste (especially in beverages), they're simply god awful. They clearly just copied Clubtails, ruined the ratios, then strangely raised the price yet lowered the alcohol content. Yet another reason for me to despise Anheuser-Busch as a company, aside from their inferior beer, previous sponsorship of Dale Jr. and god-awful change to their ad-campaign. The old Bud Lite ad-campaign had the guy who would slowly sing sentences normally about guys doing things in slow motion. Now there's this "up for anything" campaign. Despite the fact that every single "anything" situation on a commercial thus far, is one I would be annoyed to be involved in. I'd love to see the commercial outtakes when they find the wrong combination of person-situation. What'd be even more enjoyable would be to pick the situations people who claim they're "up for anything" end up in. Every time I see these annoying ads I always think about what it truly means to be up for everything. To me that'd entail things like being dropped in the South-Eastern area of Africa where mosquito's carry sleeping sickness near a pride of lions, being raped in prison or swimming 'till exhaustion and subsequently drowning. Anyhow, I'm not a fan of Bud Lite MixxTails.

Anyhow the remaining McGovern Player of the Finals games remains among the most intriguing, at least for me at this point, as I cannot find the sheet of quad-ruled steno-pad paper with which I judged game 2. So there's potentially a new wrinkle in how this McGovern Player of the Finals will be decided that for the first time in history, I'm technically separated from the decision, despite that I made it earlier and am utterly unaware of it or its location.
All of that being said I don't have an excuse for failing to post game 3's stats. Well really, I do. It's just not a socially acceptable excuse.

Game 3:

Cleveland:
Dellavedova: +1+2+1+1+1+1+1+3+1 (12)
James: +1+1+1+1+1+2+1+1 (9)
Jones: +3+1
Mozgov: +1+1+1+1+1 (5)
Shumpert: +1
Smith: +2+1+1
Thompson: +1+1+1+1+2 (6)

Golden State:
Barbosa:+1
Barnes:-1
Bogut:+1
Curry:+1-1-1-1+1-1+1+1-1-4+1 (-4)
Ezeli:+1+1+1+1 (4)
Green:+1
Iguodala:+1+1+1+1+1 (5)
Lee:+1+1+1 (3)
Livingston:+1
Thompson:-1-1+2+1 (1)

McGovern FAGGOT of the Game - Game 3
A. Davis
Refs -1
Riley Curry
M. Miller - 1 -2

I'll briefly say Game 3 was simultaneously frustrating and rewarding for me as a fan. I love effort play, I seem to have a soft-spot for foreign players and I dislike Curry. Even though I wanted to see Cleveland lose, seeing "Woah Delly!" shut down Curry for most of the game was enjoyable.

Game 4:

Cleveland:
Dellavedova: +2*-1+1+2+2+1 (7)
James: +4*-1-1+1-1-1 (1)
Jones: +2-1
Mozgov:+1+1+1+1+1+1+1 (7)
Shumpert: +1-1
Smith: +1-1-1-1-1 (-3)
Thompson: +1+1*+2+1

Golden State:
Barns: +1+1-1+1+1 (3)
Bogut: -2
Curry: -1-1-1-2+1+1+1 (2)
Green: +1+1+1+1-1+1+1 (5)
Iguoudala: +1+1*+1+1-1+1+1+1+1 (7)
Lee: +1+1+1-1 (2)
Livingston: +1+2+3+1 (7)
Thompson: +1+1-1+1 (2)

Game Notes:
Curry continues to disappoint yet Golden state won. Win-win. Bogut looked like trash once again - no effort. Sort of odd given his fellow country-man is being lauded by Cleveland specifically for effort and intensity. Iguodala has erupted this series. To me it's even more impressive because he's done so guarding LeBron James. If you look back at even just these playoffs alone, the player defending the other teams best player almost always has an offensive production decrease. Iguodala's has increased while guarding the best player in world - supposedly. I also enjoyed a former fantasy basketball player of mine in Mozgov succeed. Similarly I'm also enjoying J.R. Smith going ice cold just in time to remind viewers why he was traded, comes off the bench, and why he can't ever truly be trusted.
*Dellavedova's first +2 was because he was montaged with Men at Work - Land Down Under. Awesome Eighties strike again.
*James's first +4 was on that down-right sick, dare I say Sabonis-like pass in the first quarter, when he hopped up and did a no-look over the head back-pass to Mozgov. For the purpose of perspective, I believe this is the first time I rewarded a star player, aside from Ray Allen, anything above a 3. The Cavs may have lost the game but so far I consider that play the best of the entire Finals.
*Iguodala's point came when T. Thompson actually came up and stuffed him. He actually tried to approach T. Thompson afterward and say "nice play" but was subsequently totally ignored. Sportsmanship.
*And the opposite side of the formerly described play was T. Thompson, totally flouting the new mentality of "let's everybody get along," and straight up giving a non-verbal fuck-off to Iguodala. Asshole move, but totally hilarious and frankly totally appropriate. I actually prefer anger, discourse and bad sportsman. They're competitive - and fans pay to see competition. Teams that dislike one another usually produce both competitively and rating wise, the best series.
 - Game 4 has been the first ever 4-player tie in McGovern Player of the Finals history. To make things interesting, I normally don't force a tiebreaker (and by force a tiebreaker I mean decide myself) ,in the earlier Finals games. This is in hopes of someone breaking through with a 2nd or 3rd game, depending on how the series unfolds.

McGovern FAGGOT of the Finals:
A. Davis +1
Refs -1-1-1
Riley Curry
M. Miller
Idiot Female Security Officer - 3
ABC Sound Crew -3
Cavs Fans -10

FAGGOT NOTES:
These notes involve a few changes. Someone on my FAGGOT list is actually receiving a positive point, albeit just one. One unprecedented change is that from now on and the first time in history I'm going to actually remove (as opposed to always adding) someone from the much maligned FAGGOT list. That man is Anthony Davis. I never truly disliked him but as a matter of principle I won't sit idly bye while Donkey Kong's dominion is sullied. Additionally the PIXELS commercial's seem to be rotating based on old arcade games. Thus he is constantly against different opponents. Fortunately for him, he was up against and defeated the centipede - my most rivaled and despised fiend (not the game - the arthropod). Of course, it goes without saying if he disrespects DK again, he's back on the list immediately.
When LeBron fell down and smashed his head on that camera there were several security guards / local cops that tried to "contain" the situation by attempting to remove camera men from the immediate vicinity. This utterly infuriated me. Not because I wanted to see LeBron injured or bleeding but because anyone would be fucking stupid enough to think they could actually prevent filming from probably a dozen angles from the NBA alone all focused on the court and LeBron. This moronic bitch actually put her hand in a camera and said "you can't film here." Literally the second after this happened they switched to a stadium camera and not only caught but heard everything. The sheer stupidity involved in this incident just enraged me. How could you work security at a place like that and actually think you could do anything that makes a difference is hilarious. However trying to stop the happenings from being filmed is maybe one of the only more moronic things than thinking you're going to do anything if the fans decide to storm the court.
I subtracted 3 from the ABC sound crew because they continue to play a remixed version of Style by Taylor Swift that's god awful. I think this will be a recurring penalty as there's no reason to play that pseudo-melodic garbage.
Cavs fans - or should I say Lebron fans. He's brought his true talent back to Cleveland. And despite his athletic ability and basketball acumen, his greatest talent is marketing. He's followed MJ's market-myself strategy and modified it in our current era of millisecond updates on everything and expanded. Unfortunately this the is the way social justice warriors, rad-fems and the average bandwagon fan will interact. So you have groups of polarized people who are ironically enough extremely impressionable and constantly watching social media, typically for something wrong (or to know how/what to think for fuck's sake). I'd consider that to be nearly the archetype for the worst type of sports fan. They probably don't know much about LBJ aside from his reputation, ESPN and maybe his Twitter feed. They clearly know nothing about what happened to the Spurs when LeBron's team came back and won in 2013 with Ray Allen's sick shot or they wouldn't have left. Golden State's fans actually "took over" their arena audibly because so many people left and the crowd leftover were specter-taters. LeBron is wounded, bleeding, stays in the game - and as a fan you leave early - disrespectful. The worst part, though, is the fact that all the Cavs fans had shirts listing the number of people in the arena then like "20,153 All In." Then a third of them leave halfway through the 4th quarter. They left,and they're not even all in the stadium. They're first out (or off if we're talking bandwagons). I've never liked Lebron but I really feel sorry for him regarding his live fandom. I can't imagine how much revenue he earns from fans purely from advertising on social media but unless he's winning in a rout he can't seem to hold a home crowd.

McGovern Player of the Finals - Game 1

I had an abnormal start to the Finals this year. I was rushing around unprepared making my lists just as Game 1 tipped off. This was due to running one of Chuck McGovern's ridiculous errands. My problem(s) were not related to the task itself but the sheer idiocy of me leaving at 6:00 in Charlotte to go pick up a massive heavy item in Monroe, essentially South Carolina, in rush hour.
"Don't worry, it'll only be an hour and-a-half drive, you'll be back by 7." He says.
Predictably I arrive at the location at seven. I'm fuming. During a Nascar race, during a playoff game 7, during the first finals game... these are the FUCKING GOD DAMN annoying times he picks for errands. Ironically he's utterly indifferent about these times and time in general, which makes it hard to hate his sort of ignorant milieu. However, by speeding and persistence I managed to make it home 5 minutes before the game started.

My normal pre-finals-game routine involves several alcoholic drinks or non-descript psychoactive substances. All meant to neutralize my perspective of course, I couldn't live with myself if my bias ended up ruining the most important, accoladed, important and frankly - fun awards the NBA world has probably not scene - The McGovern Player of the Finals.
Luckily, I had prepared for such a disaster. In my fridge were 3 Clubtails (10% alcohol, 16oz.) which were Long Island Ice Tea flavored. To give an idea of how efficient these things are: one light beer, let's pick Beast Light, with the highest alcohol per calorie content among any light beer, about .04.

.04% * 12oz = .48oz alcohol - Milwaulkee's Best Light
.10%*16 = 1.6oz alcohol - Club Tails

When you break it down, including the increased ounces of the Club Tails, they're easily the more efficient choice. I might even put them up with 4-Loko's in terms of value/alc-oz in can form.
Regardless, I had some catching up to do - and I did so quickly. So I murdered all 3 cans by the half-point if the second quarter. If these athletes are going to power through to entertain us, I feel it's only my will, if you will, to will my way through the lateness, the tiredness, the rushed episodes and contribute the true essence of the McGovern Player of the Finals - judgement.

Judgement day is an apropos name to give to this Final's match up. I came in disliking both teams severely for different, yet similar reasons. I dislike them both because of their star player and hype. I've always noticed I was a contrarian but I've recently realize I tend to root against whatever team/player/entity is currently favored. Thus, during this season, I pretty much hated the Warriors as everyone from or around the Charlotte area won't SHUT THE FUCK UP about this faggot Curry.
Clearly no one has shut up about LeBron since he's been in the league, so he's always annoyed me too - since his rookie anointment. 

When the playoffs started, I was watching the first game of the first round and some guy came by and asked me "so who are you rooting for?"
"Hm,"I thought. "I'm not sure... I guess I'm more rooting against the Cavs and Warriors" I said. Predictable McGovern Bullshit.
Going into the series hating both teams is something I've had to deal with before, so I wasn't concerned. Near immediately in the first quarter Bogut blocked LBJ and by my reaction I realized I was rooting for the Warriors, just not Curry - well unless they need to win - how fucking uncomfortable.

Warriors:

Barbosa: +1 -1 +1

Barnes: +1 +1 +1 +1

Bogut: +1 +1 -1 +1 +1
Curry: -1 -1 +2 +1 +1 -1 +1 -3 -1 +1 -1 (-2)
Ezeli: -1 +1
Green: -1 -1 +1 +1 

Iguodala: +1+1+2+1+1+1+3+1(11)
Speights: +1+2+1 (4)

Thompson: +1+1+1+1+1+1+1 (6)

Cleveland:
Irving: +1+1+1+1+1+3+1

James: +1-1+1-1+1+1+1-1+1+1+1(5)

Mozgov: +1+1+1+1+1(5)

Shumpert: +1+1+1

Smith: +1+1+2+ (5)

Thompson: +1+1+1+1+1 (5)

LeBron started out well but had a bunch of bad turnovers, he was subsequently penalized. Through the 3rd quarter I honestly thought Mozgov was going to steal Game 1 with his alley-oop basket cuts but Tristan Thompson is just so vital to the Cavs he was actually in the lead. However, the second-half play of Klay Thompson but mostly Iguodala helped. Not only did Iguodala prove to be a catalyst for the Warriors offense, he stymied LeBron's O pretty well and was the surge for the Warriors comeback. Although now that people here are happy about it, I'm not sure how I feel about it.

McGovern FAGGOT of the Finals:
Anthony Davis: -1 -1 -1
Refs: -1 -1
Riley Curry: -3

M. Miller: -1

FAGGOT NOTES:

Anthony Davis: -1-1-1 (3) I saw this commercial for movie "Pixels," where Anthony Davis, throws a basketball at Donkey Kong and obliterates him. Now keep in mind this basketball is real and DK is virtual... but what the fuck? I'm not buying it. I'm not having it. I'm not watching it. I'm not accepting with it. I officially challenging Anthony Davis to beat me as DK in any game ever. Until this is fulfilled he'll lose 1 point every time this commercial is aired.
Refs:-1-1

Riley Curry: -3 If I have to hear how cute this annoying piece of shit was again, I'm going to lose it. Imagine if you had a mentally handicapped adult cousin with the intelligence of a 3 year old, then you took him to work on "take retards to work day." How disastrous, annoying and well, retarded would that day be? This is the exact format of take your child to work day. And now it's both genders! I don't give a fuck who or where you are, but unless you have kids, it's annoying to see kids outside of work - and even worse while working! If I had to deal with them inside, which I sometimes do, I'd lose it (which luckily I haven't, yet). Curry having his kid at that press conference wasn't cute. It was disgusting. Like having a demented, autistic stray cat with savant syndrome that could speak. She was doing her own thing, crawling all over ignoring him and everyone else, while he acted like he didn't care. Typical cat owner. Doesn't care.

Just Dance

The other day I was working the door in my father's dance studio. Making sure the right people got in and paid the correct amount, etc. I did that for roughly two hours 'til the influx started to slow down. This woman, the second most attractive woman on the dance floor, approached me and asked me to dance. Supposedly dance etiquette dictates you always say yes to anyone who asks you. I absolutely didn't want to dance, so luckily I had a great excuse: sorry I can't, I'm working.
Half an hour later my excuse wasn't so solid.
"Hey you can probably get up and dance now" - she says.
"Well, I'm working, I don't think my dad would approve," I said.
My dad was apparently right behind me.
"Oh, don't worry about it. I'll watch the door." He said.
What a fucking piece of shit! I thought. He knows I neither like dancing nor enjoy it. Passive aggressive fucker.
Fortunately this woman was very forgiving in her movements and allowed me not to look totally stupid, until...
I'd seen my dad and several other experienced dancers do this twirl type thing to the woman at the end of the dance. Upon not completely sucking I had the false confidence to attempt to dip, the woman I was dancing with. It didn't work - at all.
I blame half of the debacle on gravity, a quarter of it on me, and the rest on her.
Out of the corner of my eye I noticed my dad, laughing. Faggot
Apparently my "dipping" skills consist simply of gravity and grasping someone before they hit the ground. My dip didn't work at all.
Fortunately, I pulled her up to see the entire dance floor in silence, probably curious about what I was going to do next. God damnit. The experience wasn't totally lost as there was still one person smiling in the room.
Predictably, it was my father, laughing it up - and he actually winked at me - asshole.
So I walked off the dance floor solo, approached my father and said "I'm still more coordinated than you."
He laughed and said when he was my age he wouldn't make excuses - which is ironically enough, an excuse.
"How would you feel if I ambushed you with something you're totally unfamiliar with?" I said.
"I guess we'll find out when you find something you're good at." He says. What a cocky jerk.
Luckily, I have the perfect solution already in mind.
Sometimes there is a DJ at these dance events, and other times my dad simply has a timed playlist to dictate the timing of certain dance styles. Tonight was one of the nights without a DJ... initially.
An impromptu DJ was about to make an appearance. When my father started dancing I decided to take over DJ responsibilities. DJ C4 was on the floor. In the midst of some weird song that they were waltzing to, I played Billy Joel - Uptown Girl.
Everyone on the dance floor stopped for a moment. My dad included, then they all seemingly adapted and figured out whatever dance was appropriate for the song. This annoys me.
"Alright" I think. "These idiots think they're slick, we'll see..." I mumble.
I turned on Eiffel 65 - Blue. Apparently 90% of the dancers had been exposed to this song to my dismay. Almost all of them changed dance steps instantaneously.
"What the fuck is wrong with these idiots?" I thought.
Just then my dad dipped the woman who I had danced with earlier, directly in front of me - and winked at me - what a creep.
Nonetheless, I realized I was the victim of yet another...
Reality Check