To those that didn't read my initial post it was about my top 7 movies in horror, this is the inverse - but not really. Horror is probably the best genre for good "bad movies." It's become such a trope that they've had several iterations of some movie called "Sharknado" even in 3D. At this point I will forewarn any Sharknado aficionados - none of your trite movies made the cut.
Speaking of not making the cut - forgive the terrible horror double-entendre: Any and all Halloween movies. They ALL SUCK. There's a reason when you hear the name Mike Myers you think of Austin Powers or Wayne's world and not this shitty franchise. No one cares about it. That's why those fucking trope writing dopes over at Bill Simmon's new website were writing contrived articles about it for the last week. They're so bad, they're not even fun to make fun of as the entire Ringer staff is filled with NPC's. Non-Player-Controller Characters whose sole existence is running a solipsism reality simulation program.
The entire conception of these movies is fucking retarded. Why would anyone want to get to a 45 year old Jamie Lee Curtis? Why would anyone really care about her at any age? Arnold had to scream at her in a foreign language (to him) just to get her on a helicopter to save her life for fuck's sake. And all of that (aside from the True Lies reference) is describing Halloween H20, which the only semi-watchable one in the awful anthology. That part was just for you Zidane.
As is the latter: Stanley Kubrick sucks. Jack Nicholson sucks. The Shining sucks. Romanticize old SHITTY movies all you'd like, they will continue to suck in perpetuity. You know the reason people romanticize old movies: because back then THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE TO DO AND 3 MOVIES CAME OUT A YEAR. You fucking liberal psuedo-elite minded douchebags are so narrowly circumspect. Do you not realize that books still come out today? What does that have to do with anything? - Fair question. Why don't we hear about them as often? Why is the last one you probably heard about a shitty smut novel for women? The answer is there is an intensely diverse portfolio of entertainment available to essentially everyone in this country that HAS NEVER EXISTED EVER - THROUGHOUT TIME. Aptly, in this time with a never-ending barrage of entertainment options, people have decided that old shitty movies, like Psycho & The Shining aren't very entertaining. No one cares about the nuance of the appetizers when the main course is a shit sandwich.
Now onto my list of the "best worst."
Now onto my list of the "best worst."
#1: Teeth. This movie should've been re-released during the Brett Cavanaugh hearings. This is a movie about a girl suffering from "vagina dentata." Like it sounds vagina dentata describes a fictional condition in which some vaginas have mouth like teeth that can potentially punish a potential sexual predator in Lorena Bobbitt like fashion. I feel like this should be the official movie of #metoo and radical 3rd wave feminism (who are now fighting within themselves over trans-inclusionary and non-trans-inclusionary lesbians).
#2: Joy Ride. (Insert voice of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs)"Caandy Caaaanee." Candy Cane was Paul Walker's false CB "Trucker" radio handle that he did in a female voice. This must have #triggered this guy (I just looked up Ted Lavine's filmography - this guy is in everything: Shutter Island, The Hills Have Eyes, Ali, The Fast and the Furious!, Heat and the Wild Wild West). Essentially the entire film is about Paul Walker escaping a killer trucker. This was early Paul Walker when his entire acting skill-set consisted of looking confused whilst being attractive, a mere four months after The Fast and the Furious. #TooFast2Furious2Soon
#3: The Evil Dead. (The only movie in this list before 1993 - as noted by horror movie critic: Zidane) The first time I saw this movie, I really thought it was a joke of some kind. It was so terribly shot, edited and produced in general I truly found it difficult to believe that anyone, let alone my friend Jarred's older brother Jonathan could actually enjoy a movie like this. In fact Jarred's brother Jonathan enjoyed it so much, when he had his girlfriend over to the Douglas residence for the first time, this was the movie they proceeded to watch. Jarred, Ryan and I witnessed this spectacle of Jonathan laughing hysterically as a young woman is raped by a vine whilst sitting next to his new girlfriend, glory days.
#4: AvP: Alien vs Predator: I'm including this one on here simply because of the bipartisan hype. I have rarely seen people (only guys) this divided about A) which one would be the winner (physics) and B) why one should win (morality) and then use our amazing ability to anthropomorphize everything and make it about our insular selves to make it a tribal matter. At the time I found it just generally interesting and didn't attribute any underlying motive to the decision. Now that I'm looking at it in retrospect... I'm realizing this is a political divide. Almost all the conservatives I know rooted for The Predator. Conversely a lot of the liberals I knew thought the Predator was the aggressor and thus rooted against it. Very telling.
#5: SAW II: Despite being one of my favorite franchises this one was awful. It was just pure shock, disgust and gruesome scenarios. There are a couple of scenes that I will never forget in this film - which is the only reason I'm frankly including it. There's a scene where one of the "players" in this "game" is required to extend his hand into a bunch of tainted hypodermic needles. That was a little bit too much. Then in the next scene someone falls into an empty pit FULL of hypodermic needles. Needless to say this person dies the death of 10,000 stabs.
#6: Every Final Destination but #1 & #2. These are so contrived at this point do I even have to explain myself. You'll have a scene where spiderweb will ignite and then fall onto a girl in a bathtub who will almost get electrocuted but stands up just on time to have the charged spider web short out the rooms light circuit for no reason. Now a flea that's landed on the formerly charged spider-web will be charged and jumps on the girl who was formerly in the showers pubic hair and then she urinates whilst ungrounded and is thus electrocuted. That's every death in one of these movies.
#7: Jeepers Creepers: This is the king of modern bad films. It's disturbing on every level. It initially seems like something that would be worth seeing only to devolve hardcore into one of the most confusing horror films ever. The first two-thirds of this film are actually legitimate thriller. Then the Creeper comes out and I think the directors may have done some hardcore drugs or something while they "finished" the film. The last third of the movie does a few things well: end abruptly, confusing the viewer and wanting more answers about this creeper. Luckily a sequal has emerged since then and has alleviated none of the former issues.
#3: The Evil Dead. (The only movie in this list before 1993 - as noted by horror movie critic: Zidane) The first time I saw this movie, I really thought it was a joke of some kind. It was so terribly shot, edited and produced in general I truly found it difficult to believe that anyone, let alone my friend Jarred's older brother Jonathan could actually enjoy a movie like this. In fact Jarred's brother Jonathan enjoyed it so much, when he had his girlfriend over to the Douglas residence for the first time, this was the movie they proceeded to watch. Jarred, Ryan and I witnessed this spectacle of Jonathan laughing hysterically as a young woman is raped by a vine whilst sitting next to his new girlfriend, glory days.
#4: AvP: Alien vs Predator: I'm including this one on here simply because of the bipartisan hype. I have rarely seen people (only guys) this divided about A) which one would be the winner (physics) and B) why one should win (morality) and then use our amazing ability to anthropomorphize everything and make it about our insular selves to make it a tribal matter. At the time I found it just generally interesting and didn't attribute any underlying motive to the decision. Now that I'm looking at it in retrospect... I'm realizing this is a political divide. Almost all the conservatives I know rooted for The Predator. Conversely a lot of the liberals I knew thought the Predator was the aggressor and thus rooted against it. Very telling.
#5: SAW II: Despite being one of my favorite franchises this one was awful. It was just pure shock, disgust and gruesome scenarios. There are a couple of scenes that I will never forget in this film - which is the only reason I'm frankly including it. There's a scene where one of the "players" in this "game" is required to extend his hand into a bunch of tainted hypodermic needles. That was a little bit too much. Then in the next scene someone falls into an empty pit FULL of hypodermic needles. Needless to say this person dies the death of 10,000 stabs.
#6: Every Final Destination but #1 & #2. These are so contrived at this point do I even have to explain myself. You'll have a scene where spiderweb will ignite and then fall onto a girl in a bathtub who will almost get electrocuted but stands up just on time to have the charged spider web short out the rooms light circuit for no reason. Now a flea that's landed on the formerly charged spider-web will be charged and jumps on the girl who was formerly in the showers pubic hair and then she urinates whilst ungrounded and is thus electrocuted. That's every death in one of these movies.
#7: Jeepers Creepers: This is the king of modern bad films. It's disturbing on every level. It initially seems like something that would be worth seeing only to devolve hardcore into one of the most confusing horror films ever. The first two-thirds of this film are actually legitimate thriller. Then the Creeper comes out and I think the directors may have done some hardcore drugs or something while they "finished" the film. The last third of the movie does a few things well: end abruptly, confusing the viewer and wanting more answers about this creeper. Luckily a sequal has emerged since then and has alleviated none of the former issues.
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