Christmas Card
Of course all 'cards' of any type are worthless but this one, while not particulary bold or funny caught my eye. Especially since it was one of my 'relatives (you know, the people who you cant help being related to after birth).'
"No day quite like Christmas..." -True
"no family quite like ours..." -Sad, but true. I was confused by the whole family part but I read on anyhow.
"no memories quite like the ones a grandson makes" - Also sad but almost still funny because I never had an x-mas memories with this relative... ever, plus I didn't have many memories at all this last Christmas day.
Hallmark...
Everyone always says it's the thought that counts; Alright, well then seriously how much thought does it take to get some premade bullshit card which means nothing and doesn't apply to you at all from a store - usually Hallmark? Not much in my book. Why not just send me a fucking e-mail that says 'I thought of a tree too,' and save some fucking paper. Fuck Hallmark, it's just another reason our society is going to a state of anomie. If I ever saw someone turn over a card to check if it was from Hallmark I'd seriously consider reverse-heel-kicking them in the face.
Customer 'Service'
Okay so...the customer is always right, supposedly. So then why do cashiers give you your change AND your cash in the same hand. It's a huge pain in the ass to deal with and just hinders the line when the customer has to stop, take the change in his/her other hand and then deal with the cash seperately. This not only hinders the entire flow of a line but inconveniences the customer, someone who is supposedly always right and should be catered to.
New Blinds
So the other day I got frustrated at not being able to see my monitor in true form because of the window in back of my desk which in a dimly lit basement causes severe backlight. Originally I tried to remedy this with a beach-towel which I taped to the top of the window-frame, but repeatedly fell off despite how much 'gorilla tape' I put on it. After I woke up on the third morning I'd been trying to block the window I decided to change my plan of action. I figured some thin sheet might be better but after failing to find such a garment I started looking for alternative means. No sooner did I walk in my kitchen when I saw the massive pile of Totino's and Milwaukee's Best Light boxes did I realize the solution to my problem...So I cut up about 10 Totino's boxes and a case of Beast and constructed the most glorious blinds possible. Totino, gorilla tape and most importantly Beast light right in the middle. The only thing better than the blinds themselves will probably be Chuck McGovern's reaction when he sees them.
Dirk Nowitzki
That's the name I've given to Otis Mousequivitz's successor; the mouse who has kept me up the past several nights chewing on something in my ceiling or wall. I felt the name Dirk Nowitzki was appropriate given the fact that I'm going to take pleasure when I eventually feel joy in killing this piece of shit vermin. I had originally thought about eminem but I figured Id go with the original germanic name scheme that had started with Otis himself.
For a little backstory a few years ago when the basement was in it's prime... we had an invader as it would seem. An uninvited mouse who was seemingly uncatchable. Only after buying several mousetraps did the reality surface that it wasn't only Otis, it was his whole crew of mice. I think it's also important to mention here that this is where I developed one of my ultra-sensory perceptions.... mouse sense; the ability to sense any mouse within a certain radius. Needless to say thanks to the traps and my senses basement was rid of vermin fairly quickly...until now.
When I first heard him I was playing Burnout Paradise, no doubt being mad at the awful changes Criterion games made to one of my favorite racing games. Then I heard scampering above the ceiling tiles. It sounded loud at first, so I wasn't sure it was a mouse; but then I got my Louisville slugger and started running around following the sound slamming the ceiling tiles, in hope of injuring the rodent or at least knocking it down to the floor. Obviously ...that didn't happen. It went into stealth-mode or ran off and I eventually gave up and went back to PS-3. The next night I was awoken by a quaint sound of gnawing wood. I couldn't hear exactly where it was coming from exactly over the fan blowing on my face but I knew it was in my general vicinity and I knew I couldn't get back to sleep with that sound. So I got up and slapped the walls and bashed a bunch of ceiling tiles. This shut it up... temorarily. Over the next several nights Dirk would become increasingly bold until the last night I heard him he flat out ignored all my attacks on the barriers of my room and wouldnt let me sleep at all. He also is using the tunnels of his previous resident, Otis, according to the insulation I see lying outside one of Otis's old holes. All I know is come Monday, some traps are about to be purchased...of the fatal variety... and yet another vermin is about to get a reality check.
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